I was born on June 28th 2000,
at this exact moment,
20 years ago.
This means I’m no longer a teenager and I am at the start of one of those new beginnings they like to call, your twenties.
I’ve been sat here for a while trying to write a review post but I keep getting too emotional (lmao help) and I feel like a detailed reflection of the past year wouldn’t be the best thing for me to do right, considering where I’m at.
I’m a big achievement type of gal. I like having goals, smashing them and then aiming for one better. I’ve done some of those this year, actually quite a few of the big ones, but the age of 19 has felt like nothing compared to previous ones. I did, however, still want to big myself up here and mention a few of my achievements…
What I Achieved at the Age of 19
This is by far the biggest one of the year, maybe even my life! Jack and I moved out of our family homes in December 2019, for the first time, and into our new home. The sense of independence this has bought me has been a blessing yet also been a huge pain in the ass. BUT, one of the best parts of this was by far…
Getting our first pet – R2!
I’ve never had a pet of my own, nor had anything that is competely reliant upon me. R2 is Jack and I’s lil’ pet rabbit and he has bought so much joy (and stress) into my life. There have been so many times when I’ve been struggling with something but just watching him and feeling his prescence in the room is comforting. R2 has completely changed my outlook on what rabbits can be like and I love him so much.
Travelled to Berlin, Germany (FINALLY!)
October 2019 saw Jack and I travel to Berlin, Amsterdam and Paris. If you’ve been reading my blog a while you would know I was SET on visiting Germany. The fact that I can now say I have done is definently a highlight of the year for me. I would love to go back to Berlin and also visit more of Germany but, for now, I am content. 🙂
Met Emily & Megan
In July 2019 I got the opportunity to meet Emily. Emily has, by far, been one of the most amazing people I have met online and I am incredibly grateful for her (especially when she listens to my complaints and emotional breakdowns x). The same for Megan, whom I met in November 2019. I’ve known Megan since bascially the beginning and it was SO lovely to get the chance to meet her. I’m hoping I can meet them both, and more, during my 20th year!
Started Streaming on Twitch (and Animal Crossing duh)
The age of 19 saw me FINALLY play Animal Crossing New Horizons and start streaming on Twitch! This has allowed me to form a community of friends who are just the most AMAZING people ever and I am so grateful for. Streaming has me so excited, whether it be Animal Crossing or another game, and I can’t wait to see how far I can take in the next year.
BOOM. Writing that has left me feeling a bit more positive about the past year than when I started. I did, however, just want to touch on my thoughts currently. As I’m writing this, my mental health is probably at the lowest it has ever been. Of course, about a 1/3 of my 19th year has been taken up by lockdown so there is probably some strong correlation there, but still. My emotions are very confused between feeling so lucky to be in the position I am in but then, at the same time, not achieving anything I actually want.
To be honest, I feel like I have missed out on being 19. I currently feel like I’m 35 and that sucks (no offense lol). I haven’t really got the chance to take any risks, go have certain experiences and the size of my (real life) social circle is just embrassing. I’ve never seemed to have had the opportunity to bond with other people and make new friends. Everyone I have made relationships with are 30+, because of my job, and that just isn’t the same.
Yes, I know, this is a silly sob story but this has all had a sad turn on my mental health. I look back at when I was younger and I was so happy, full of energy and determination. I’m still happy and SO grateful for what I have, but I just feel so lost with what I want and can do. Some of you may have seen this through my lack of blog posts and presence online. (I haven’t posted on Instagram in a month :()
So, wtf am I going to do about it?
Well, I will admit, I’m not too sure yet. I spent some time the other day thinking about the kind of person I want 20-year-old Millie to be…
- Work on growing my confidence in terms of my brain and personality.
- Take more risks (sorry mum) and be more of a free spirit.
- Test my stereotypes and opinions on the world.
- Cry less (currently I’m crying basically everyday over one thing or another and I’m over it lmao)
There are a few more but I think you get the jist. Another area I am very confused about is career and progression. I am currently in a job that some may consider a career but I’m starting to find that it probably isn’t for me. So, that brings on the question – what DO I want to do? And there lies the issues – I’ve got no clue. I think my disappointment over how boring I am currently finding my life has me going to different ends of extremes. One minute I want to be a motivational coach, then a detective, then a astronomer, then a pilot and then even a astronaut because why not. I just want to do something new and fun and currently I’m having near to no new fun at all.
Anyway, back from sob story number 2 – I really ain’t got a clue how this next year is going to go. But, I’m going into my twenties feeling lucky that I do have a loving and supportive family. I have a home, enough money and I have options. And I am grateful.
A lil’ message to myself
19-year-old Millie says Happy 20th Birthday!
Right now you feel very lost and confused about what you actually want, enjoy doing and can achieve. You also tend to feel quite lonely and these two things are your worst enemies.
Yes, you have things that you should, and are, grateful for. But, just because someone tells you you should be happy with it, doesn’t mean you have to pretend to be. Happiness does not come in one shape or size.
The idea of death really scares you but, heads up, you’re going to die. So, that petty argument over who is making dinner, with Jack, doesn’t matter and neither does what other people think. You’re working on this mentality but just remember to do you because nothing else matters.
You knew it at 18, but, stress continues to be enemy number one. Something needs to be done about it because it ruins your life. You currently don’t have the same resilience you once had, maybe because a trillion different things are running through your mind at once. But, you’ve got this (and chill down bro x).
Well, if I wasn’t feeling emotional before then I definitely am now. I’m curious to know if anyone else is feeling anything similar (Please also share your tips!).
Yoast SEO is going mental at me so I’m going to wrap this up before my rating gets worse hahah. Speaking of blogs, I am going to try get into posting more again but it make take time so check back in a bit. 🙂
Thank you so much to everyone who has helped, supported and loved me through my 19th year and I cannot wait to see where my 20th year takes me.
Until next time my friends!